I feel a weight around my neck.

I'm not sure whether it's caused by lack of faith, or lack of direction, or lack of common sense... but I can feel it pulling me down.

I believe straight-up lies, through and through. I believe in television and music lyrics.

Why don't I just believe in You?

the green sweater

I know a family
always smiling

they love each other
it shows

I have fun with them
we laugh together

one night their daughter wore a green sweater
it was perfect
baggy enough to look comfortable
finely made, yet vintage
she looked like a hippie
I imagine her saying 'peace' with a smile

I'm convinced
that if only
I had a green sweater
just like that
I'd be happy

material possesions
I know
don't make you happy

but the green sweater was so small
insignificant
surely it's not
too much to ask

if it is the key
to a loving family

a food replacing

morning rolls in, cool and sweet
I hear the fall of passing feet
sitting, listening, separate me
a stomach growl, a yawn succeeds
the Spirit aches, the flesh is weak
[I miss you so.]

psalm 51, my favourite part
speaks of a broken, contrite heart
but context, dear, archaic art
“take not your Spirit from me”? are
you serious? I won’t read that part.
[please don’t go.]

pray and fast, You want me to?
right now I have so much to do
I’m busy see, and hungry too
tomorrow I will get to You
You’ll still be there, so I can choose
[empty living.]

nudging, prodding, smiling, chasing
wanting all of me, embracing
see my heart? See what I’m facing?
You call me to a food replacing
Forget myself, see what I’m missing
[deeper meaning.]

Hallelujah - March 6th

Father
You know my heart
better than the rest
better than my mom
or my dad
my little brothers
special friends
or enemies.

tell me
about this mess
tell me
how to deal with
this feeling
a sense of peace
mingling with self loathing.

teach me how to live
when I don’t know
what to do
what to say
I’m not okay
words form in my mouth
I can shout
“Hallelujah!”
through my tears

I won’t resolve
this nicely
claim a Bible verse
and speak of hope
I’ll just say
sometimes
it’s okay
to not know what to do.

you need it

This is just my ponderings on the seemingly frenzied need we all have to pair off and go, just thinking about loneliness and filling our lives and the difference between running from loneliness and embracing the One who was meant to fulfill. At least, as I see it. Just like in one of my last blogs I was thinking about how it seems like we are supposed to pair off, or else it's just not right. Well... I don't want to pair off just because I want to pair off, I've run from my feelings for too long and I know all too well that I'll never find what I am looking for in anyone else. Tonight my prayer is for anyone who is fighting those little voices in your head and in the world that tell you that you need another human to fulfill you. My prayer is for you to know the true JOY that God brings.



you need it, something whispers.
all women need goodnight kissers.
for men are very good listeners,
through the long and lonely winters.

you need it, something sighs,
'fore the spirit within you dies,
so to end your midnight cries,
close your mouth, open your eyes.

you need it, something screams!
he's the answer to your dreams!
even more than clothes and things
endless women with diamond rings.

O, i want it, helpful friend,
tell me, how will this all end?
will i find my longing's mend
with the joy my lovers lend?

I say, need it? something squirms.
we each need to speak our turns.
you claim every woman yearns
for arms of flesh, where passion burns.

the fancied hand I thought so tight
from fancied grip is lost tonight,
and my mind is feeling light;
was it ever in my sight?

you may whisper, you may sigh,
you may promise me i'll die,
but the One whose Hands i'll try
formed me perfecly on high,
knew my innermost and I,
cannot stand to pass Him by.

so while the others seek and try,
He'll hold me 'till the end of time.

Hello, my name is Kristen, and I am a blogaholic.

It all started back in the day when I got myself a livejournal. I decided I loved the nickname 'brokenbyHislove' and decided to use it in my new journal. However, I never told anyone about my livejournal and recently set it to private, so that no one would see. It was really more of a release for when I was going through a rough time with my boyfriend at the time. I journaled whenever I was feeling crappy and just wanted to vent.

Next, I got a blogger account, mostly because my friend mandy dearest had one and I just wanted to join in the fun. Again, i vented a lot of my feelings when going through hard times but it was a good release and a way to connect with other 'bloggers'.

Next came myspace. Ah, myspace, how you've changed my life. I am addicted to myspace. It has everything a good journal needs, plus SO MUCH MORE! I used it more consistently than any other of my blogs.

And now, xanga. Purely to comment on various people's other xanga accounts, mind you. And now I am learning how to work that puppy.

Now I ask the question: Do I have an unhealthy fascination with blogs? Why did I need 4 separate blogs? Was it really necessary? Do I have some sort of problem? I foresee signing up for any other new blogs that come my way. How can I prevent this in the future? Do I need an intervention?

As I puzzle myself over these questions, remember that at least I am admitting that I have a problem:

I am a blogaholic.

P.S. Happy, Mantle? bahaha

Stage Lighting, Dreams, and Mission's Work

Matthew 10:39 (NIV): "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

In the middle of my stage lighting class (yes, it is as boring as it sounds! I don't care at all about stage lighting.. or any kind of lighting... just give me regular light bulbs please, haha) I started thinking about this verse... I've read it before but a friend of mine reminded me of it and I started to think of it a lot.

I had a dream the other night where I was being attacked. I don't remember a lot of it now, but for some reason I was going on a camping mission's trip. We were going to bring the Good News to like.. china, or something. I can't remember. Suddenly some men with weapons appeared in our tent. They started to beat up one of my friends with a stick and then me. I remember looking at them, trying to look them in the eye and find some shred of mercy in them, but it was no use.

At one point, I was told to wait in some sort of laundry room to be killed. I began to pray for God's peace, that I would be brave and okay with dying for this cause. Somehow I escaped them, but I awoke and the dream was unresolved, and I didn't feel peaceful.

I almost feel like God has really been pulling me out of my comfort zome lately. I've been thinking a lot about mission's work, and whether it's something I want to do. I may even have the chance to go on a mission's trip in the new year, and that feels right in many ways. But I think I still have a fear.. a fear of leaving my comfort zone.

I know that, in theory, I'd like to do a lot of things. Save the world, even. But I know that in reality I have done so little and that if faced with real life-or-death situations I'd be scared out of my mind. I hate to think that I'm being a hypocrite, saying that I'd like to do something radical or over-the-top but never really following through.

I think of paul's life, as I've read in Acts. A few verses in particular really stick out to me. he's talking to his friends about how he is moving on:

"And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:22-24

Think of it- Paul knew he was going to prison! He knows he'd face hardship. And still on he goes, knowing that is life is only worth something when he is doing the good work that has been given to him. he knows that this, THIS, the spreading of the gospel, is what life is all about - not comfort, or mediocrity.

"When he had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him. What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again. Then they accompanied him to the ship." Acts 20: 36-38

His friends wept and were sad that he would die. So it's not like we're supposed to be hardened and accpeting of the fate of those risking their lives for the gospel. We can be sad too! But mostly we should encourgae them and pray with them. And Paul even cried, knowing his own fate.
I am scared to lose my life. I don't know whether this means I have more to learn, or that I'm a hypocrite, or even that I will indeed face hardships...

But I want to come to a place where I can lay it all down, my whole life. Heck, I could die at any point. we all could. But I want to die making a difference, one that saves people from this life, for the next! That IS what it is all about- whether it's in Africa, or here in Windsor. We all, knowing Christ's saving grace, should be giving it all in order to spread the word.

Love you guys.. please respond and let me know what you think. And thank you, Jrarrmy, for the verses, which lead me to others!