Rants | Fun | Unashamed Love

2008-03-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

I feel a weight around my neck.

I'm not sure whether it's caused by lack of faith, or lack of direction, or lack of common sense... but I can feel it pulling me down.

I believe straight-up lies, through and through. I believe in television and music lyrics.

Why don't I just believe in You?

the green sweater

2007-06-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

I know a family
always smiling

they love each other
it shows

I have fun with them
we laugh together

one night their daughter wore a green sweater
it was perfect
baggy enough to look comfortable
finely made, yet vintage
she looked like a hippie
I imagine her saying 'peace' with a smile

I'm convinced
that if only
I had a green sweater
just like that
I'd be happy

material possesions
I know
don't make you happy

but the green sweater was so small
insignificant
surely it's not
too much to ask

if it is the key
to a loving family

a food replacing

2007-05-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

morning rolls in, cool and sweet
I hear the fall of passing feet
sitting, listening, separate me
a stomach growl, a yawn succeeds
the Spirit aches, the flesh is weak
[I miss you so.]

psalm 51, my favourite part
speaks of a broken, contrite heart
but context, dear, archaic art
“take not your Spirit from me”? are
you serious? I won’t read that part.
[please don’t go.]

pray and fast, You want me to?
right now I have so much to do
I’m busy see, and hungry too
tomorrow I will get to You
You’ll still be there, so I can choose
[empty living.]

nudging, prodding, smiling, chasing
wanting all of me, embracing
see my heart? See what I’m facing?
You call me to a food replacing
Forget myself, see what I’m missing
[deeper meaning.]

Hallelujah - March 6th

2007-04-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

Father
You know my heart
better than the rest
better than my mom
or my dad
my little brothers
special friends
or enemies.

tell me
about this mess
tell me
how to deal with
this feeling
a sense of peace
mingling with self loathing.

teach me how to live
when I don’t know
what to do
what to say
I’m not okay
words form in my mouth
I can shout
“Hallelujah!”
through my tears

I won’t resolve
this nicely
claim a Bible verse
and speak of hope
I’ll just say
sometimes
it’s okay
to not know what to do.

you need it

2007-01-11T21:18:00.000-08:00

This is just my ponderings on the seemingly frenzied need we all have to pair off and go, just thinking about loneliness and filling our lives and the difference between running from loneliness and embracing the One who was meant to fulfill. At least, as I see it. Just like in one of my last blogs I was thinking about how it seems like we are supposed to pair off, or else it's just not right. Well... I don't want to pair off just because I want to pair off, I've run from my feelings for too long and I know all too well that I'll never find what I am looking for in anyone else. Tonight my prayer is for anyone who is fighting those little voices in your head and in the world that tell you that you need another human to fulfill you. My prayer is for you to know the true JOY that God brings.

you need it, something whispers.
all women need goodnight kissers.
for men are very good listeners,
through the long and lonely winters.

you need it, something sighs,
'fore the spirit within you dies,
so to end your midnight cries,
close your mouth, open your eyes.

you need it, something screams!
he's the answer to your dreams!
even more than clothes and things
endless women with diamond rings.

O, i want it, helpful friend,
tell me, how will this all end?
will i find my longing's mend
with the joy my lovers lend?

I say, need it? something squirms.
we each need to speak our turns.
you claim every woman yearns
for arms of flesh, where passion burns.

the fancied hand I thought so tight
from fancied grip is lost tonight,
and my mind is feeling light;
was it ever in my sight?

you may whisper, you may sigh,
you may promise me i'll die,
but the One whose Hands i'll try
formed me perfecly on high,
knew my innermost and I,
cannot stand to pass Him by.

so while the others seek and try,
He'll hold me 'till the end of time.

Hello, my name is Kristen, and I am a blogaholic.

2006-11-14T23:28:00.000-08:00

It all started back in the day when I got myself a livejournal. I decided I loved the nickname 'brokenbyHislove' and decided to use it in my new journal. However, I never told anyone about my livejournal and recently set it to private, so that no one would see. It was really more of a release for when I was going through a rough time with my boyfriend at the time. I journaled whenever I was feeling crappy and just wanted to vent.

Next, I got a blogger account, mostly because my friend mandy dearest had one and I just wanted to join in the fun. Again, i vented a lot of my feelings when going through hard times but it was a good release and a way to connect with other 'bloggers'.

Next came myspace. Ah, myspace, how you've changed my life. I am addicted to myspace. It has everything a good journal needs, plus SO MUCH MORE! I used it more consistently than any other of my blogs.

And now, xanga. Purely to comment on various people's other xanga accounts, mind you. And now I am learning how to work that puppy.

Now I ask the question: Do I have an unhealthy fascination with blogs? Why did I need 4 separate blogs? Was it really necessary? Do I have some sort of problem? I foresee signing up for any other new blogs that come my way. How can I prevent this in the future? Do I need an intervention?

As I puzzle myself over these questions, remember that at least I am admitting that I have a problem:

I am a blogaholic.

P.S. Happy, Mantle? bahaha

Stage Lighting, Dreams, and Mission's Work

2006-10-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

Matthew 10:39 (NIV): "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

In the middle of my stage lighting class (yes, it is as boring as it sounds! I don't care at all about stage lighting.. or any kind of lighting... just give me regular light bulbs please, haha) I started thinking about this verse... I've read it before but a friend of mine reminded me of it and I started to think of it a lot.

I had a dream the other night where I was being attacked. I don't remember a lot of it now, but for some reason I was going on a camping mission's trip. We were going to bring the Good News to like.. china, or something. I can't remember. Suddenly some men with weapons appeared in our tent. They started to beat up one of my friends with a stick and then me. I remember looking at them, trying to look them in the eye and find some shred of mercy in them, but it was no use.

At one point, I was told to wait in some sort of laundry room to be killed. I began to pray for God's peace, that I would be brave and okay with dying for this cause. Somehow I escaped them, but I awoke and the dream was unresolved, and I didn't feel peaceful.

I almost feel like God has really been pulling me out of my comfort zome lately. I've been thinking a lot about mission's work, and whether it's something I want to do. I may even have the chance to go on a mission's trip in the new year, and that feels right in many ways. But I think I still have a fear.. a fear of leaving my comfort zone.

I know that, in theory, I'd like to do a lot of things. Save the world, even. But I know that in reality I have done so little and that if faced with real life-or-death situations I'd be scared out of my mind. I hate to think that I'm being a hypocrite, saying that I'd like to do something radical or over-the-top but never really following through.

I think of paul's life, as I've read in Acts. A few verses in particular really stick out to me. he's talking to his friends about how he is moving on:

"And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:22-24

Think of it- Paul knew he was going to prison! He knows he'd face hardship. And still on he goes, knowing that is life is only worth something when he is doing the good work that has been given to him. he knows that this, THIS, the spreading of the gospel, is what life is all about - not comfort, or mediocrity.

"When he had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him. What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again. Then they accompanied him to the ship." Acts 20: 36-38

His friends wept and were sad that he would die. So it's not like we're supposed to be hardened and accpeting of the fate of those risking their lives for the gospel. We can be sad too! But mostly we should encourgae them and pray with them. And Paul even cried, knowing his own fate.
I am scared to lose my life. I don't know whether this means I have more to learn, or that I'm a hypocrite, or even that I will indeed face hardships...

But I want to come to a place where I can lay it all down, my whole life. Heck, I could die at any point. we all could. But I want to die making a difference, one that saves people from this life, for the next! That IS what it is all about- whether it's in Africa, or here in Windsor. We all, knowing Christ's saving grace, should be giving it all in order to spread the word.

Love you guys.. please respond and let me know what you think. And thank you, Jrarrmy, for the verses, which lead me to others!

I don't want it!

2006-09-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

Even now, years later, I still feel pain when I talk to certain people... they have just had such an impact on my life, in such a negative way, that talknig to them brings back so many old memories.

Tell me, can we ever be free from the pain of our past? Can we ever just truly look at certain people in a pure and holy light? And love them as a brother or sister?

Maybe forgiveness isn't the problem here. But the pain still EXISTS. I don't want it. I really don't.

gloomy day.

2006-09-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

I know God created emotions, and he created me an emotional being, but I hate it when my emotions get the best of me.

I'm feeling kinda down today. There's a lot on my mind, a lot of irrational worries and real fears to face. A good friend of mine left to go back to school in Toronto right after church. I feel sad. So, what's the first thing I do? Buy some junkie food, and veg out on the couch watching TV. I am stuck in this slump now and hey, you never know what tomorrow will bring. With me, it may bring a super happy day full of sunshine; or a ridiculously terrible day that leaves me at my wit's end. I just want to get out of this unhappy feeling NOW. I don't want to eat junk food and watch Beethoven (although it's quite the flick), I want to embrace the day!

Am I supposed to praise Him in the midst of my anxiety and discontent? What if I don't feel like it? Am I supposed to learn how? Will it even help?

If I could be rational, I could just snap out of this. But I guess I'll just learn to take this to God, and hope that it, too, shall pass. I want to praise my Father in the midst of everything that life brings me. I hope I see His glory revealed today.

2006-08-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

spark up the flame.

i am DYING to live again.

... i don't know when i'll be back... so long for now. Pray for me.

after the high

2006-08-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm kind of... crappy....

Lately I've been on like, a spiritual high... (hooked ya with the title, didn't I? get your mind out of the gutter!) but like usual, at the first sign of adversity, I fall flat on my face. I'm feeling like I mess up, constantly, and make bad decisions...

Anytime I get into a fight with any of my friends, I feel the need to apologise and take all the blame, because I am scared of a continued fight, and the loss of a friendship. Now, even when I get into small tiffs, I have a lot of trouble dealing with 'em. I know that in order to have respect from my friends, I need to respect myself. I have a lot of trouble doing that due to all the stupid things I seem to do...

I am getting really down on myself, I know, and Mandy just gave me a huge pep talk... but.....

I can see that God intended me to be at church this past weekend. The sermon was about signs that you are getting discouraged by adversity. They are as follows:

1.Loss of Strength
2. Loss of vision
3. Loss of confidence
4. Loss of security

Gee, could you please NOT talk about me in church, pastor?? Hahahaaa... seriously, this sounds exactly like me.

This is what I am supposed to do in order to overcome adversity:

1. Pray (duh!)
2. Remember who is on your team.
3. Continue what you are doing
4. Never stand alone

Well, I can probably do the praying part... how do I do the others?

I'm going for a bike ride...

Materialism: How much is TOO much?

2006-08-04T03:25:00.000-07:00

I am currently 'redoing' my room. I painted it (or rather, my mom did, :-P) and bought some new curtains and a new sheet set and duvet cover and such. I spent a good three hundred bucks at IKEA, woo!! That is quite a lot for me.

The thing is, once I get started, I have a lot of trouble slowing down when it comes to material things. I started to pity myself for not having nice stuff like so many of my other friends, not taking into account how much I actually DO have. I have become slightly obsessed with having the right furniture, the right nightstand, the right colour curtains, everything...

And I am pretty sure it's not a good thing. My problem is that I can't decide if the desire to have an asthetically pleasing room is sinful in and of itself, or just my focus on it. Because I'm pretty sure I could've lived quite happily without matching pillow shams and a cool new lampshade. And yet I want them so badly!

In a world where we gauge our success on our material possessions, I am quite aware that what God has intended for me does not include spiritually growing my wardrobe or supply of IKEA goodness. So is it WRONG for me to drop some money on sprucing up my room? Or have I MADE it wrong, but obsessing and focusing on it?

I am sure that this is quite confusing. Let me know what you think.

The WORD

2006-07-21T08:39:00.001-07:00

I'm noticing a unique trend...

The more consistently I am grounded in the Word of God, the more consistent my relationship with God is. Which may be elementary to most christians, but it is a connection I think that a lot of us fail to make.

When I read the Word, I can feel myself connecting with God on a historical level, almsot like I'm learning more about Him. He speaks directly into my life on so many occasions and then reveals His own history, His great love for His people.

Also, the more I read the Word, the more excuses I can make to NOT read it, and the more our enemy wants me to fill my life with other things.

The Word invokes change, responsibility, and character. He speaks of the undying, surpassiong love of a perfect Father. So WHY have I avoided the Word so much in the past? Laziness, guilt? A million things, probably.

Lord, place Your word in my heart, that I might not sin against You.

The WORD

2006-07-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

A new hope (where is your freedom?)

2006-07-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

I think that right now, I feel better than ever... Bare with me, I have a lot to say.

It seems as though me entire relationship with God has been based on how I am feeling, what I am doing, what others see in me, for so long. But I've had to ask myself some tough questions: What does it matter what others think of me? What does God WANT to do with me? And am I actively pursuing Him, do I know I need Him, do I get my stability and worth from Him?

For so long I have based my spiritual formation on what others think of me; telling others about my growth, asking people to pray for me, for advice, and wanting influential people to be proud of me and what I have accomplished. But in the end, the only opinion that matters is that of CHRIST!

I am reading Ecclesiastes, and it's really just talking about how many things are so meaningless in this world; beauty, wealth, wisdom of the world... It says, what good is it to have riches if you do not even enjoy them? Maybe I am taking it out of context, but it's like, there's so much in this world we use to base our opinions on, like how physically attractive we are, the right clothes, the right job, the nice car. I have long tried to find my inner satisfaction based on what other christians thought of me and my growth as a believer... but I NEED TO find that meaning, worth, and satisfaction in a deep and growing relationship with God. With a fresh realisation that His opinion is the ONLY opinion, really, I can depend on Him...

Weakness has been my only companion for so long. I am SO SICK of it. I have been plagued with worry, anxiety, insecurity, LIES, negative views of myself, an inability to escape the slightest temptations. And you know what, even right now I am trying really hard not to care what others think of me. I don't know how to explain this but for some reason I have always just needed to hear the praises of others, the approval of everyone... maybe it's my personality, but I am going to kill myself trying to get everyone to like me. It has to be GOD that thinks I am beautiful, wonderful, entirely captivating, strong and smart and all the things that everything else is trying to tell me I am not, or cannot confirm in me.

The past year has been entremely tough for me. After my boyfriend and I broke up, after two years, I really was heartbroken and left without foundation. But then soon after I gave my heart away quickly to someone who was undeserving of it and again I was hurt. Last summer, I was betrayed by a friend and leader whom I trusted with everything in me, and I have only recently forgiven him. I have been carrying around all this baggage for way too long, coupled with lies from my enemy and the stress of school. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with things I need to work out or things about me I feel need spiritual formation that I don't even know where to start. But I do know what I need now: A FATHER. A perfect Father who thinks of me all the things that no one else can tell me I am. Because I have been looking to everyone else for that consistent encouragement and everyone has failed, and hey, I don't blame them. We are a people who fail to meet standards.

I have one friend whom I respect and treasure above the rest. His opinion to me has always been crucial. I have always needed to hear what he thinks of my every situation since we both became Christians, mainly because I guess it seems as though he has always shared these things with me and I loved helping him! But lately he has been growing by leaps and bounds and I have been sinking slowly lower and lower. I wanted him to be someone who could tell me who I am and what I can be but in the end I do way too many things to seek his approval, as well as others. His growth angered me in a lot of ways, I wondered, "Why am I still here, still hurting from my past, when he is doing so much?" But I can't cling to that hurt anymore. I have been hurt, it's true, but I can gain HEALING and AFFIRMATION from a Father who answers all the questions I have inside.

I know only of a few people who still read and respond to my blogs, so I decided to post this here because I am tentative to tell too many people about this yet. I don't trust myself to be telling people about my growth because I need their approval just yet. I want to wait until I know that this is something solid, something God is working in me.

Am I ready to go to a new level with Christ? I really, really hope so. He is the only one who truly knows me, and I want to know Him more... I am so happy, you guys. :-)

sometimes

2006-07-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

sometimes when I think my foundations are firm
I look down and realise
I've been standing in the sand all along,
so when the waves, tossed back and forth
swirl below and I feel the current's draw
why am I surprised that I slip forward,
standing on my slippery, sandy, shaky ground?

if I hold the sand in my hands,
it may become precious to me,
but like an hourglass
it slips through my fingers
slowly and steadily
consistently unstable

i always look back, amazed
at how secure I thought I was
before the fall
and quickly, all that I thought I had under control,
should've given to You,
buries me

and with tears and sand in my eyes
I still have to look to You
for strength,
for consistentcy,
for the answers that make me wonder why
I am
who I am
when i can't carry it all anymore.

awkward relationships

2006-06-25T20:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, around certain people, I get really awkward. I don't know if it is that I am nervous, or excited, or just that there's something going on in my head, but I usually get awkward around certain people. Some people: I meet them, they are nice, we get along, I can be myself. But certain people... well... for lack of a better wording, they set me off. I'm like a jack in the box, waiting to pop out and go crazy and make .. noise, for some reason. When I am around these people, I feel like a dancing monkey or a puppet or something for amusement. Because these people usually know the power they wield over my actions. And I can't explain it!

I get around certain people and I know they are expecting a show. They know I'm kinda nuts, and they know that I'll act in a way that will amuse them. So I act in that way, in spite of my own desire to act normal and fit in. I want to be unique and eccentric in a safe environment; not on display for people who really laugh AT me, not with me! And so every so often I find myself in destructive patterned relationships or situations, and I guess I am learning to remove myself...

Just the other night I was at my friend's house and I was like, shaking nervous. I don't know why. But there was this couple there and both of them are always like, almost waiting for me to do something funny, which for some reason, make me go off and go crazy! I spilled pop and I broke a willowtree statue. I felt so bad. And I didn't know how to just sit down, relax, and enjoy the night. I was on edge... spacey... and awkward. And this couple was not even trying to get me to do anything! They are such a nice pairing of people. But for some reason, because I think they see me a certain way, it makes me act that way, no matter what.

I really want to learn to just relax and know that people accept my behaviour as is and that God created me in a certain way, and I shouldn't feel that I have to perform to keep friends. Or even that if I act a little crazy, that people will not like me. Those are two very different perspectives, and I struggle with both. I have to just accept that Christ has created me unique and special and wonderful.

It is so much harder to accept the spoken and written Word than it is to actually believe it. I am trying so hard to accept the girl that God made. It's getting easier. But I guess those destructive pattern relationships aren't helping...

So.

2006-06-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

Okay. So. Um... reality check.

I had a convo with a good friend of mine yesterday and thanks to his advice, I have started having ongoing conversation with God... treating Him like a friend, not trying to figure out where to go next. I just want fellowship with God, so that I feel like He loves me...

I am so mixed up about so many things, but I am tired of trying to sort this all out. I am messed up, but sorry for it. I am going to try to draw close to God, and I'll see where that leads me.

I appreciate the prayers of anyone who reads this...

get ready for an aimless rant!!!!

2006-06-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to write a poem or something that exemplifies how I feel right now... but I guess these lyrics will have to suffice.

The curtain falls, down she goes

So long worth

All the applause seems beautiful

It's got a hold on her

She whispers, "I'll go home"

And then she's reminded

That she doesn't know where that is

Thought she belonged

But she knows she don't

Thought she had love

But it is not enough

The pain inside is speaking to her

How could she feel like this

So aimless

Aimless - Bethany Dillon

I really feel quite aimless right now. I'm sitting at home, and I've spent time with God today, and I spent time with God yesterday. And I spent time with my friends today, and I spent time with my friends yesterday. But I feel so achingly disconnected, so useless and unloved and unfulfilled! Sometimes I sit and wonder, what is possibly wrong with me?! No matter how many people confess that they love me, no matter how many friends I have, no matter how many activities I am involved in or teams I am part of or leadership positions I take on, I feel... aimless. Undirected.

I spent a good chunk of time sorting through things with God two days ago, I sat at Tim Hortons and wrote in my journal and read the Word. And I said to God, "Okay, here are the things that are bothering me, things that need to be reconciled with You, things that I cannot handle on my own." And I discussed them with Him and I tried to lift them up to Him, but for some odd reason, I just feel so entirely... hmm, I can't even properly name my feelings.

What I want more than anything is to know that I am safe in His arms. Know, down, deep down in my being, that I am SAFE. That if everyone ditched me and everyone hated me and I got kicked out of school and I lost my job and my family died, I would still be SAFE. Because it has been too long since I have felt God's arms of love wrapped around me, loving me and holding me and telling me it's gonna be okay. Instead, like the poem I last posted, I hide in familiar things that are safe to me because they are constant. And I am almost pissed off because I can feel God slowly taking away those things that I find familiar and comforting, because they are not Him. I want to scream! DON'T TAKE AWAY THE THINGS I LOVE!!!

I have nothing intellectual to offer, no insight, nothing spiritual or beautiful to offer in this post. All I know is that I can see myself going down the long and lonely path to brokenness... always brokenness, the constant theme... the place where I have nothing to rely on but Christ. I fear the pain of having it all stripped away but in my stubbornness I think it is the only thing that will work sometimes... but I swore I'd never go down this road again. I never wanted to fall again. Frick, I am so sick and tired of falling! Except right now it feels like no one is around to pick me up. I feel like I am dragging my friends down with my constant complaining. I need to, NEED TO, take this to God.

I'll end with a verse that God brought to my mind today:

9 All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.

Psalm 38:9-11

I cried whe I read this today... I dunno, it really identifies how I feel, especially about the friends and companions avoiding me, lol... geez I am an emo kid. Anyhow... that's all.

I hide

2006-06-12T10:06:00.000-07:00

Learning to be alone
Coming to a place
Where all my fears are realized
Because I am left bereft there
I can’t hide anymore
All my flaws are so plain
And I have no one to blame
No one to forget with
Only You
Only You.

My eyes shift nervously
From side to side
Looking for a good disguise.
But still I remain
A girl
So much afraid of her Father’s time
And yet craving it from deep inside.

In theory, I know the truth
The deepest longings I have
Are only satisfied in solidarity
Spirit meeting flesh
A Father’s welcoming hand
Jesus Christ’s loving smile
In reality, I kick and scream
I seek comfort everywhere
I hide
I hide
I’M SORRY
I HIDE

curbside

2006-06-07T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hmm... what to say...

Tonight I sat out on a curb after walking with Dave and sang to myself. Maybe that's creepy, but it sure was refreshing. I can't write music, I can write poetry but I have hardly ever acually written a melody, so I sang a song that is close to my heart. Bethany Dillon, 'Beautiful', just because it makes me think about how God sees me. I want God to look down on me and think I am so beautiful. Of course, we all do right?

Right now? Right now, I do NOT feel close to God. I don't feel like reading his word or worshipping him or dwelling in his promises. I wish that I DID desire God, but I really don't.

I work at Blessings and I see so many books. There are days where I don't think I can take one... more... book. I make piles as I work and say, "Hmm, I need to work on this, and this... this book will sure help..." and THEY WON'T HELP! Books can't fix everything.I always put them back afterwards.

I don't have a specific topic to talk about right now, I can't be witty or clever or intelligent. All i can say, to all of you who still read this, is that sometimes I get depressed. I don't know why. Maybe we all do. But today, I am jsut depressed and I feel like I'm still sitting out there on that curb, singing to myself and feeling so alone. And tomorrow will probably be fine.

*sighs* I hate this feeling. God, where are you?

what if

2006-05-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

What if I woke up tomorrow with a heart that was broken for all those who don't know Jesus?

What if I lived today like I was going to meet God tomorrow?

Would I try harder, would I be less numb?

Crutches

2006-05-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

Is it possible for someone to depend far too much on someone else? Most likely. In the wake of Pastor Jimmy's leaving, I am left almost bereft because he was such a support to me. He was a man who loved God and believed that I could add to God's kingdom, that I had something unique and beautiful to offer, that I was worth it. He has helped me to get to my own level of spiritual maturity today. And now, having had him for the past 3 years and almost three months, my entire childlike life as a Christian, I feel my steps faltering as I try to lead a pack of teenagers in the way of the Lord. Can I pick myself up and stumble forward? Will I fall a lot along the way, will they notice?

I never imagined this day would come, a day when I couldn't just walk into his office and sit down on his couch and talk to him about all the crappy things life was dishing up to me. And laugh about it, in the end. I hope that I haven't been walking this whole time with a crutch, a walking stick that, when displaced, will let me come crashing down.

And yet, if I have, I know that my Father will teach me how to walk with him. He will hold my hand and be patient with me and let me fall down, if I have to. And although I sit here now, feeling so small and lost without Jimmy, I am trying to remind myself that God will comfort me. I am trying to believe it. And I am trying to trust God.

And I don't want to replace Jimmy with someone else I can lean on. It seems as though God takes away all of the people I come to rely on for guidance, but I think that is because I made them my foundational rock. There is only one Rock.

Legalism

2006-05-05T07:31:00.000-07:00

I can block out what makes me weak... but will I let You make me strong?

A poem about everything.

2006-05-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

If I push for it
try to keep it
i know you'll take it
and i'll lose it
did i ever own it?
i've always wanted it
i believe it
try to make it fit
wish i could handle it
sigh, i love it
can i have it?
i can juggle it
with the rest of it
what you add to it
drop what's left of it
and i'll cradle it
smile upon it
but i'll break it
cuz you knew it
i'll cry for a bit
then replace it?
can you take it..

for you

2006-05-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

I really really love Cool Hand Luke. (If you even remotely know me and you're reading this, you already know that.)

They just always seem to sing about exactly how I feel, all the time. This song here relates very closely to my own self image and relationship to God, and yet at points it doesn't apply at all...

"My sweet Jesus,
I'm sorry,
that I let you down again.
It's not so easy,
Down here anymore.
Everyone just treats me,
like I'm crazy or something.
And sometimes, I feel like I am.
Because no one seems to understand.

But if I'm a fool, I'm a fool for you.
and if I'm alive, I'm living just for you.
If I sing a song, then I sing for you.
I sing all day long, in everything I do.

I will rejoice in this foolishness.
I will rejoice in this foolishness."

It's like... I freaking love God but I get really down when I feel like I let Him down. Sometimes I even feel like I am anticipating letting Him down, and I beat myself up for it. And sometimes I think I should be beating myself up... but I have trouble forgiving myself afterwards too. Like so many other people, and probably many girls, I don't look upon myself very highly. But that's normal, in today's day and age, I know. It's not right, but it's normal.

So sometimes all I can do is declare that I love God and that yes, I'm a fool, and I'm a fool for You, Lord. And try to not think about how bad I'll feel next time I mess up. LOL, what kind of twisted logic is that?

Lately I've just been praying God's will in my life. There are so many things I want, so many things I anticipate, and sometimes when I get something that is close to what I want, or seems to have potential, I cling to it and bank everything I have on it. Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. And so far, I've lost a lot. I've won some, but I've lost a lot. It's not all selfish things, most of the things I want I believe God has placed in me a desire for. I want to work with the homeless one day, and I want to get married and have kids. But I also want to leave windsor... and maybe I'm not meant to. *shivers* What a terrible fate.

I'm trying really hard to trust God with my future. But it just seems like nothing is going the way I want it to. LOL, How do I even know what is best for me? He is the Author and Perfector of my faith, and he is telling the greatest story ever told!!!!!! And yet, I cling to everything. I have been praying almsot continually, "God, take this, take this situation and these people and this oppertunity and make it Yours..." Cuz I don't trust myself to do the right thing with what has been placed in front of me.

My rambles are becoming rants. I don't think I make any sense. But I do trust Him... I am just anticipating when I will mess up, I suppose. Which is neither here nor there... meh.

I'm not very far.

2006-04-29T23:35:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what two days and a lot of Genesis can do!

Basically I have had an amazing weekend... I loved everything about it, especially the time I spend in God's word and in deep prayer. I have really felt the presence of God in my life.

And yet, I know that I can't just stop here and rest in my euphoric feelings. I need to keep moving onward with God, on to whatever He's leading me to.

Just like Abraham had to offer up Issac as a sacrifice, I too must sacrifice the things that I love to Him if He asks me. Which is terrifying, because I love a lot of things. But I think that He'll make me ready..

and then i left for a walk...

2006-04-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

I'm going for a walk. I really love God a lot right now. So thankful for so many people. Dave a lot right now. I read his Livejournal and I am just.. so blown away by what an amazing Man of God he is and I feel... so pleased to have known him and been a part of his growth. What a friend. Like I mean, he has his faults and everything and he does dumb stuff sometimes but he is just amazing.

I wish I could explain how I feel. There are times when I sit here feeling so overwhelming happy and wishing I could express it to everyone, the world, whoever. And then there are times when I want nothing more than for someone to tell me what I'm worth something and it feels like I am going in a circle because I always revert back to the way I was and feel the same insecurities.

I want to be captivated by God. I want to be captivating to Him. And I like to think that I really am growing in Christ... because I do make dumb mistakes but I keep going back and I do grow, I do make changes.

And I do care what everyone thinks of me sometimes. I continue to cling to everyone's approval and disapproval like it was my medicine or something. Like it makes me better or worse. Hah, I really just laughed out loud. I shouldn't care what you think, any of you. I love you all, but does your approval make or break me?

Do you even care?

It's been a while...

2006-04-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

I guess that people have been reading my blog that I never expected would be. LOL, my fault.... I posted it online and all.

But oh well, my choice, right? haha...

Anyhow, I just thought I'd give an update...

School's almost over and I'm glad. I feel silly for only taking a few courses but I just felt so burnt all semester for no reason. Oh well.

I love my bible study and my friends... I LOVE God so much but I'm a pretty bad kid. I wish I knew where God was taking me, but I guess that's half the fun.

YOU!!!!

2006-04-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

I love you... God.

I love that I can ask You all those hard questions... I love that I can screw up a milion times and still you look at me and see your daughter. Your SON. And I love that it is, indeed, YOU who have bought me, You who have called me to be Your own.

I love that I can hate me and hate others and still come crawl into Your lap on a good day... like today...

I love that You have plans for me even when my own plans for me fall through, I love that I can continue to change and You'll still love me...

I hate that I hurt You. Sometimes I love to hurt You... And I love that even when I love my sin, You love me more. So much more.

I <3 you! Mwah!

2006-04-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

Do you want to hear something hilarious?

Lately I've been finding myself just wandering around on Myspace.com... I would get bored and join groups and stuff, and talk to people, randomly browse the bands, stuff like that. A few times, I saw people leave comments on my friend's pages or on a band's page that i thought were interesting, so i'd click on their profile and check 'em out.

I'd look at their profile, and soon I'd see a picture of their boyfriend/girlfriend. Then I'd see all the cutesy little messages that they'd leave for each other in the 'comments' section, or under their pics. I'd click on their significant other's profile and check THEM out, and they'd have a friend I'd think was interesting, and click on their profile. Sure enough, they'd have a boyfriend/girlfriend too. And so on it goes.

At first, it was like a morbid curiousity, because looking at that sort of stuff just made me feel more and more alone and kind of ticked, lol, and I'd think to myself, 'pfft, yeah right, screw you guys...'

But I'd keep doing it! Somehow it's become fun and not depressing, really. I love to see their relationships, even from this superficial level.I've even seen some of the couples write poetry for each other, which I find so sweet.

I miss a lot of the couply stuff... saying nice things... pictures together... reminiscing about first dates and so forth. And while I really want to do that, like, now sometimes... I really don't want to have to go through all that stuff with someone with whom the love we share won't last forever... cuz love doesn't end. It 'never fails'... right?

I don't want to say 'I love you' again and then have to eat my words, look at pictures and see someone I used to love who is not the same person, because he no longer loves me. And that's what I feel now... I see pictures of people I have loved and I can't bear it because the person standing with me in that pictures was someone who loved me, and the person I see now is not. So it is a different person.

So I guess what I'm saying is... I appreciate the relationships I see today. All the cutesy-ness, all that 'couply goodness' and so forth. It's nice. It's sweet. And it's good. And I want to be able to appreciate it... while knowing that my God will bring that one for me who will, indeed, sweep me off my feet... and rejoice in their love.

Still, am I creepy for reading their love comments? Haha!

dearest

2006-04-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

Love me like a sister,
treat me as a friend.
My soul cries out for respect,
craves fellowship, trust,
but i trip sometimes,
I fall sometimes.
you should know I want to be
uncovered before it all.
my nakedness reveals all the things
I can't speak of... can't dream of.

hold my hand,
because I'll show it all to you.
thoughts flow like ink on paper,
perhaps ugly, perhaps lovely.
Love me like a sister,
and my sins won't hurt your senses.
I'll be beautiful for you.

Now.

2006-04-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

Right now... I'm going to relish this moment. I feel confident, happy, and alive. I feel full of trust in myself, in God, and in my friends.

My smallgroup is really awesome. I love hanging out with three so dynamic personalities, so different. It's so great to be able to talk about the stuff that bothers me when I get down... and to know that people care, like, REALLY care and are praying for me. It makes me feel so much better.

Right now I'm gonna go off to bed and I'm going to have a nice long conversation with God. And I really hope that tomorrow will be just as good.... I hope I won't believe any lies... I hope I won't give the devil a foothold.

2006-04-01T21:16:00.000-08:00

Who am I, really?

Who is it You want me to be?

When will I feel like I think, I THINK I should feel... when will I feel that connection and completion that I myself even spoke of just this past summer.

Sometimes, I can't forgive me. I don't forgive me because I don't like me or the things I do, and I look to change them but then I just mess up... and then I just give up.

I can't accept sinner Kristen. She's just so sinful.

Some days are better than others... but actually jsut apologising and accepting things and then working to change them? I guess that's not how I work.

I think that I'm not sure I know the difference between who I am naturally and what part of me needs fixing. Like... I know I'm dramatic, so do I need to curb my dramatic reactions? I am not sure... sometimes maybe my pesonality will offend people.

But I spend so much time just apologising and trying to make everything alright that I end up selling out on myself... not standing up for myself.

There's gotta be a balance... right?

I found this poem online today but a woman named Linda Margaret Nagy, and it was so beautiful and so true. It really speaks to me about how I feel. I wish i could meet her.

Feeling so very sad today.
The reason why is EVERYTHING, you know?
Just one of those days.

I really should be happy for more reasons.
More reasons than I can count,
but it’s one of those days.

Would like to go lie down, but I won’t.
Perhaps, I am too stubborn in many ways.
But, I need to get my feelings out and
it’s one of those days.

People who know what I am talking about,
don’t need me to explain.
They are living just like me.
I try not to let my body gain hold,
but today is one of those days.

I can’t stand being in this vessel much longer,
but I will; what else can I do?
Jesus loves me, that I know.
It’s just one of those days.

I don’t understand much more than another,
I just want you for a sister or a brother.
Nothing more; nothing less.
Reach out for my soul.
It is screaming, “Lord help me. Please take me home.”
It’s just one of those days.

2006-03-31T21:52:00.000-08:00

I can only be me... so I'm sorry you don't agree.
And I kinda wanna cry cuz I sorta wonder why,
But I'll take it as it is, and I know we'll still be friends.
Take me as you shall, though I wonder how
I'll ever get to be, someone classier than me.
So my writing scheme is lame, I may play the odd head game,
And on paper plain I write, how I see it on my side.
For we are so different dear, and in case you didn't hear,
I am dramatic and a fool, and I'm really not that 'cool',
But I do respect you so, therefore it really hurts to know
that you don't like what you see.

But I can only be me.

I'm a material girl living in a material world...

2006-03-29T20:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had something in your life that was a replacement for something else?

Like, a passion that maybe has always been there or maybe just kind of came upon you one day when you were really bored...

... but it wasn't just an innocent hobby but something that acts as a comfort for the real things you may be dealing with?

C'mon, you'd be lying if you said you didn't have one.

Those who know me know some of my great weaknesses. Video games, books, but mainly, FOOD. I binge but I don't purge. It's a replacement, a comfort, a distraction, a mind-numbing satisfaction for a moment.

Right now... it's stuff.

Clothing, mostly. I used to be very picky with spending my money, and although I would usually splurge on buying fast food on a bad day, I usually wouldn't buy myself a new outfit. The over-eating makes me not want to try on clothes.

But lately... It's the clothes, the shoes, the material possessions that I desire most.

And that scares me more than anything else, because it's only vaguely familiar. Not something I'm really accustomed to.

I find myself just aching to go buy stuff... for myself, mostly, but something for others too. My usually innocent objective to make someone else happy by buying them something I think they'd appreciate has become twisted. It's the temporary relief of something... tangible. And I think that this craving of mine is a very strong indication of where I am... with God, with the world, with everything.

As I go through the rollercoaster that is life these days, I find myself craving attention and satisfaction in the strangest ways. You know that song, "I can't get no satisfaction"? Well, that is exactly how I feel. I just can't find satisfaction. I feel it temporary every time I go out and buy, oh, say, three pairs of shoes, a scarf, and a new coat all in one day. I feel so well adjusted and balanced for about... 12 hours. But it goes away after the reality that BUYING STUFF WON'T MAKE ME HAPPY sets in. But it fools me every time...

I remember asking God about 5 months ago, "Where is my comfort? WHERE IS IT?!" And I did find comfort... then. But I suppose that due to the fact that I'm still sitting in my hole I can't see or remember the solution and I'm far too stubborn to go looking for it right now.

I have started reading the Word again, however. I hadn't been reading it for a very, very long time. I decided that since I had no idea why God made me, I'd go straight to the beginning (genesis, lol) and see how this all started, and I'm trying to figure out what He was thinking...

So here I am. I'm confused but I have new pink shoes that I bought for $17.99 at payless. And they're not making me very happy. But they're still hot.

such a love/hate relationship.

2006-03-28T10:03:00.000-08:00

I'm seeing sideways
cuz I've fallen down again
and it's so hard to find my way... {coolhandluke}

look up, look up

see the sky

so blue, so blue

wrapping around you blue

I am scratching at my face

I am cleaning out my scars

I am curled up on the floor

I don't know where You are

all I see is blue... so blue

blue seeps into my pores

cuz I feel the bags under my eyes

getting heavy.

blues clothes me in sickness

and cuts my mouth with paper

written words, spoken words

shouted words and silent words

all to You

even when I try to cose my mouth

You hear the words of my heart...

they hurt your children

they hurt me

and they hurt You.

SHUT. MY. MOUTH.

kicking and screaming.

2006-03-26T14:39:00.000-08:00

I don't think I've ever taken this tone of voice with God before...

i wish i could remember all i said but i just screamed at the top of my lungs and cried and wailed... no one has ever heard me cry so hard, i don't care who you are because you've all seen me cry. i made people in other cars stop and look at me. i think i almost caused an accident.

i really do wish I could remember all i said but i basically asked God all the things I'd been meaning to ask him since birth. I swore and banged on my steering wheel. I questioned his actions. I told him what i think of what is going on, i wondered aloud why he made me the way he made me. I asked him if he wanted me to just die and get it over with. is there a plan for me? am i worth something? does he even give a shit about me? why doesn't it feel like i'm worth something? why am I always in search of love, aren't YOU love? where is my love? why don't you talk to me? why don't you tell me who I am? WHO AM I? WHAT AM I? WHAT AM I HERE FOR? I feel like a nobody, like something disgusting and worthless and i'm also a whiner and a stupid bitch or at least i feel like it. i apologised for continuing to whine. i wondered what I am going to do. why is he so hard to trust? why is he so secretive? would everything just be okay if I could just effing LAY DOWN AND DO NOTHING FOREVER... and then i asked him if he still loved me even though I was swearing a lot and being mad at him...

... I think he's just happy that I awknowledged him....

and I never knew that talked to Him like this could be so incredibly.... comforting.

but I'm still mad.

my new professional photographer is... MANDY CROPPO!!!

2006-03-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

My eternal thanks goes out to Mandy Croppo, that wonderful lady with a wonderful camera!! She and I took bunches of pictures tonight and she tried to make me look hot!!! But since she's gonna get mad that I said TRIED, I'll say that in many cases she succeeded. ;-) I'm actually quite pleased with the pictures because I needed some good pictures of me at this point in time. So I'm not always looknig back and wishing I looked as good as I did then. LOL.

As you can probably tell, I am much more fond of the black and white ones... I am so picky with my pictures because I guess I never look in the picture hoq I imagine I'm going to look.

I guess I really need to come to terms with what my face looks like, and accept it. I spend so much time hating the way I look, and it's so not worth it. I just can't look at myself and think I'm pretty yet, though. One day, I hope I will.

I tried to post pics of Mandy and I but it wouldn't let me... more to come later, I suppose. I heart you Mandy!!!

the hole

2006-03-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

Sitting in a hole you've dug for yourself, you look up. How did you get there? Why are you there? And how the heck are you going to get out? You don't remember how happy you were yesterday when you were sitting on a chair, NOT in a hole. You don't even remember how satisfying it was to dig so deep a hole all by yourself. All you can think of right now is how dark it is and how far away up is, and how you want to get out. Maybe you've dug holes for yourself before. Maybe this time, you don't know why you did it. Maybe you do. Either way, it is not fun being in the hole and you hate the fact that you are there now. It's gonna get tired fast, sitting in a hole.

That's kind of how I feel in my deep, dark moments. Sitting in my hole, I don't remember yesterday when it was fun to be alive or how much joy there is in my life; now I am in a hole, and I can't see anything but my surroundings. Mud and dirt, it's dark and scary and terribly depressing. It's more lke I fall into the hole most of the time because I don't even see it coming. Sometimes I realise that I'm digging a hole for myself but I think, there's no way I'm ACTUALLY gonna fall in this hole. Not by choice. Not on accident. I'm just gonna dig it. But there I am, as always.... sitting in my hole, wondering how I got there and wanting OUT.

I've called out for help so many times that I can't stand to do it any more. I've put God and my friends through this crap enough times that they don't need to get their clothes dirty in my filth. So I sit here, waiting, trying desperately to get out on my own. The more I stall, the dirtier I get. I am ashamed. I don't want to ask for help. It is MY hole.

But it's not like I was clean in the first place, right? I was always dirty... and God was always there to clean me up. Even now, he waits. I am ashamed and he waits. When will I stop digging my own holes? And when will I learn that my God is a God that wants to sit in that hole right there with me, if I need it... and I can feel Him here, right now. Sit in this hole with me. Help me out.

Good question, Jon Foreman.

2006-03-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

"What is true happiness?" asks Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman. "Is it a comfortable four-door sedan with tinted windows? Does it mean I have 2.3 children and a beautiful wife and live in a great neighborhood? Everyone has their own version of what happiness means, but many of the things we're going for, and I include myself in this, are absurd. There's this moment in Jewish scripture, in Ecclesiastes, where it says, 'Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless.' That's the place where our new record starts."

Oh Switchfoot, how I am in love with you! You ask the questions I've been asking myself for the past year. What IS happiness, and why am I buying the lies?

In my purest moments, I don't want 2.5 children and a white picket fence and 3 cars in my driveway. I am NOT going to be part of a generation of consuming, destroying, conforming people that sit around while our earth dies and people live in desperate situations. I want to rise above that.

And yet... here I sit at the University where I am getting a higher education, I own a car and I live in a nice house. I buy my clothes from stores that import their goods from overworked, underpaid factories. Hypocrite!

And yet, how do I really rise above that? How do I make a difference?

Well, I'm not gonna buy the lie that I should look out for 'number one' and make a run for it while I can. Consume, take, who cares about those who suffer?

What I do believe God is calling me to, right now at least, is working with the homeless on the mean streets of some canadian town. What does that mean to me? It means I'm not going to live in a nice house in a nice neighbourhood. I am not gonna sit around comfortably. I am so torn about that because I am exceedingly happy to do something so exciting with my life, but at the same time, I WANT NICE THINGS!!! I want to shop at Ikea and lounge around on a sunday afternoon in my nice suburban house and drive to pick up my kids from soccer practice. Wow. What a contrast.

I'm still figuring this out, but I know that I love people more than I love stuff. I am not going to be rich... and I am not going to be comfortable. I'm going to fight and work.

My dream is to buy an old church building and fix it up, and offer free meals three times a day to families from all over. People coming in off the streets for a wholesome meal and a kind word. I'd also have rooms for boarding on the condition that the people who live in them either pursue education, work around the church building, or get an outside job. We'd have education and career training programs for free, co-op positions for people wanting to learn a trade, AA meetings and NA meetings, group and individual councelling, prayer meetings, church three times a week, and SO MUCH MORE!!!!!

This is my ultimate dream. So out of reach, so many resources needed to fund such a place. But so alive in my heart, so burning with a passion that won't die! I know my dream is real and it can come to fruition!!!!

Ahhhhhhh..... I am so excited for what my future has to offer. And yet I am so sad I feel as if I could cry. I really hope I can just follow what God wants me to do. Lord, take my future and make it what you want it to be!

keep the change.

2006-03-17T22:08:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about change.

I mean, when I became a Christian, a lot of things in my life changed drastically. I used to smoke a lot of weed... that stopped automatically, for some reason. Swearing, that was cut out too. I didn't feel the need to do any of the crap that I had used to do. (Seriously, I know this sounds so cliche [thingy on the 'e'] but I really felt cleansed of all those things.)

A friend of mine once described this as a 'purifying' process, where God strips off of us all the things from our former lives that brought us down. And I thank Him for that! I was glad for all the massive and revolutionary changes I felt in my life.

Today, I'm a little more relaxed. But there was a time where I looked at myself and thought, where is all that change that people talk about? Why haven't I magically transformed into 'Super Christian'? (boy, I'm using a lot of 'quote unquote' today...) I would look at all the stupid callous things I do and wonder where God's changing grace was in my life.

And I struggled with that for a very, very long time. But a song by Eric Champion made me really think about my future change and what I am becoming.... you see, I'm still growing and changing every day, and I really think God's teaching me patience. I really have no patience sometimes!! And so I am leaving it in His hands... which is totally frightening....

Yesterday I was not what I am today
I will not be tomorrow like I am right now
I'm an ever-changing, rearranging lifeform
I don't like today the things that I did yesterday
I'll probably hate tomorrow what I like right now
'Cause I'm an ever-changing, rearranging lifeform
And if you're not impressed with what you see,
Just give it time, there's much work left to do on me
'Cause I'm an ever-changing, rearranging lifeform...

And when I change, let it be to something new
And when I change, let me know just what to do,
And when I change, let it be into someone like You...

-Eric Champion, 'Lifeform'

lovely open roads

2006-03-11T20:04:00.000-08:00

Driving home on the 401, God and I came to a tenative agreement. I told Him everything: How I feel, how I am hurting, how life jsut seems to suck sometimes. I looked at my relationships with my friends and I realised that I was putting them so much so in front of my God that they might in fact have been becoming sinful! Imagine that! It's sinful hanging out with friends! But indeed, I had been distracting myself with people. I know the truth. I need to be ALONE WITH GOD.

Crying as I drive, I said to God, "Tell me I'm your beloved. Tell me I'm worth it. TELL ME."

And in a small way... He affirmed me. Traffic cleared and I drove silently on, the tears sliding down my face. Perfect silence. And then:

"You are my Beloved."

Lonely you were, when I called your name
tainted you were, when i saw your shame
see how I rescue you, see how I reach for you now

homeless you were, when i sheltered you
naked you were when I covered you
see how i randomed you, see my delight in you now

so come, so come

come as you were, come as you are my lovely
I'm not very far, i'm not very far....

-mikeschair

The Beast

2006-03-05T20:32:00.000-08:00

There is a beast that knows me better than I know myself. A beast that forces me to apologise before it even strikes, just because I know how uncontrollable it is. I always feel bad later, but rarely anyone sees it. Only my closest family. My select friends. It usually lies coiled in a ball in the pit of my stomach, grumbling and shifting and waiting sleepily for the best moment to come. And when it does, there is no stopping it. Flashes of red, blood pulsing at an unimaginable speed. Everything becomes a blur, it can't be stopped. Afterwards, I am bloody and wartorn and so very sad. Sadness comes afterwards, always. But my tears have become false and meaningless, because my loved ones know that the beast still lies deep in my being, sitting silently, waiting, waiting, always waiting...

I cannot control it. It is impossible. I don't trust God to control it. In some ways, maybe I like it. Maybe I like the adrenaline rush, maybe I like those moments when I feel full of energy and alive. I am always so scared afterwards. The words I say were never true, but the damage I've done is unimaginable. I can't go back. It's too late. My beast smiles in satisfaction, so aware of his victory. I have been defeated. I am hopeless.

My arms are shaking and there's a small cut on my finger. But worse is the knowledge that I can't do or say anything to erase the terrible dishonour to a Christlike life that I've shown, once again, to those most precious to me. I am the only Bible they may ever read. I've just torn all the pages out and spit on them.

I am bound and chained to this beast forever, it seems. I don't know how to surrender this to God. I've tried; I've failed. I don't know what to do. I want to be free. But I'm tired of trite answers with no substance. So tell me: How can I be free of my beast, my demon... my anger?

a good, solid night.

2006-03-03T21:51:00.000-08:00

Tonight was fun. I got to see Nellie play and I enjoyed dancing with Annie. I spent time chatting with Adam and I kissed Mandy's cheek. (look of horror? priceless, lol)

Sometimes it is the simple moments with people, not the things that are said, that mean so much. And I find it comforting to relate to people who struggle with life and love as much as I do.

But when those moments are over, I don't want to just forget the bad stuff while I am distracted. I need to deal with the hidden motives of my heart and the inner struggles I go through every day. Perhaps this small group will help me to begin to deal with the hidden, quiet workings of my spirit. Hidden sin.

shame
hang your head in shame
shameful desires you have
lusts of the flesh
pray them away.

I scrape towards it
one hand before me
reaching, clutching
while my Right hand
clings to the Truth.
my hand slips,
darkness falls.
i am now coal-black
dirty
filthy
shamed.
shall i cut off my hand?
i cannot cut out my heart.

i wanna live on the ...otherside...

2006-03-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

gasping for air
You clutch my hand
never let go
as i lift my sacrifice to You
will it be enough?
always...

my life is weak
i have so many broken memories
and mistakes
but with great tears
and unending grace
You embrace my sacrifice
You embrace me.

You meet me here
now
yesterday
always.
filling the unquenchable void
day by day
i'll take you in every day
and i hope one day...

i'll know what it means
to live with you.

i looked for You
You found me instead.

forgiveness is what I'm looking for - cool hand luke

2006-02-28T22:02:00.000-08:00

How do you really, REALLY forgive someone who hurts you really bad?

What if you really want to see them happy and free and yet you still feel pain and anger towards them at the same time?

Is that possible?

Well apparently it is because that's what I feel.

I want to forgive. But I feel like... maybe... it's impossible. I know it is not, I just feel like it is.

Lord, You have forgiven me unconditionally. But I am having so much trouble loving like You do. Teach me...

Does pain ever really go away?

a bedtime story

2006-02-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

Slowly, she looks around the room. I'm being watched.

The chill in the room tightens on her throat. Why am I being watched? She thinks.

The soft sounds of piano float about her. She had felt safe, listening to the lyrics on the album. Suddenly, she realises that the lyrics are about gossip. Stupid. Bite your tongue.

What should I write? She looks at her computer screen. The white void is teasing, beckoning, waiting to be filled. Writing the words her heart longs to speak is a daunting task.

What does my heart long to speak, anyhow? She fiddles with a pen. I'm not even sure anymore.

The presence of someone else in the room overwhelms her as she hears a voice lilting. But what is it saying?

Tears are fighting to break free. Why do I always consider what others will think of me? Why do I always try to please?

The four walls close in. I am alone. I am alone in this room but this is exactly where God wants me to be.

She leans back and closes her eyes. Tired. I am tired. Tired of caring. Tired of complaining. Tired of fighting. Is this defeat? No...

Eyes upon eyes watch her. Studied from every angle. Who is this girl? Does she matter? She is only one. She watches herself. She wonders what she is thinking. She is jealous. She is jealous of all the others who have the love she craves. Any love!

Looking up, she sees the white of the ceiling. White of the screen. White like paper.

And so she wrote something, anything, under the scrutiny of her own judging eyes. The worst judgement of all. She is her worst enemy and her biggest critic.

I'll write like only He is watching. O God, watch me. She kneels. Watch me and ascribe worth to me. Help me to forget.

Flirt

2006-02-25T21:59:00.000-08:00

Beauty and the Beast.

A swish of the hair. A bat of those long eyelashes. A smile.

I am no great beauty. I have charm sometimes, but mostly I'm just a big ball of laughter and stupid comments. I do not have anything really great to show off. There have only been a few that have told me otherwise.

Some girls are so beautiful. The ones with personality take the cake. How come some girls have both? I wish I could command attention like some girls can...

And I know that if I accepted my worth in Christ I wouldn't worry about how I come off to people, especially those of the opposite gender.

But everytime, my little mind starts a-spinning, and soon I'm making plans for my future husband and I. Whether or not he may exist. But almost every time I meet a boy, I want to make him that person. That completion. That SOUMATE of mine!!!!!!

It's so sad. I just wish I could love people as God does, and leave the hard stuff to him. I wish I wasn't a flirt.

House sitting? More like garbage sitting...

2006-02-24T21:56:00.000-08:00

And here I am, alone again. In a big dark house. Yep, I sure feel alone.

change is bad. Change makes me think that nothing will ever be constant, and in truth, I don't think that anything ever can last forever! I want things that never change. My weight. True, unending love. Beauty. Friendships.

I rely on my friendships more than on anything else. Change friends? Been there, done that. I prefer to keep the ones I have!

When I start to love, I never want to stop. I am not willing to give up on people, to move on to other people. But why does it seem that I'm always not worth it to others? Like I can be easily replaced. That's how I've always felt. Like I am not an important part of anything; I am subject to change.

Who will ever think I'm worth it in the long run? I know Jesus will. So why does my heart ache for... human love?

the price for love

2006-02-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

Today.... just today....
I missed you.

Today, I thought about you and all that we once had and how good it once was. I forgot all the bad stuff... all the crap we went through...
All I remembered ws how happy we once were and how much we loved one another.

And although my mind tells me that the bad greatly outweights the good, and that i am extremely better off without you....

I can't quite seem to remember all the bad stuff right now.
All I remember and is you kissing me...
and how you would say "I love you"...
and I remember lying in your arms.

I wanted a life with you. But a life with you would have been a mistake.
I ask God, why did you bring two people together just so they could break up and experience pain?
And there are logical reasons for this... but all I can remember is the pain and the loss.

Today, I wanted to be friends with you but knew it was impossible. Today, I wished I could stop believing that I broke us up.
My mind tells me that you hurt me, and that we weren't right together, but my heart rips past the pain of harsh words to the pain of goodbye. I never wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to be with you forever.

But I also wanted your respect... your unending love.... and your full attention. And I never had that from you.

*sighs*

I wrote this back then:

i cry alone in the dark
my nails scratch on the door
you won't answer
you smother me in black
i'm choking on sobs
i lift my hands in mock
surrender
and you see right through me
i am worthless
an empty shell
a discarded husk
a woman much afraid
of your love...

Why do you still love me?
hit me, beat me
call me useless
just don't embrace me
my unworthiness glows red
like his blood, his precious blood....

Love hurt me so badly. My first true love was Christ. Then I replaced it with a flesh and blood man who could never love me as much. The ridiculousness of this situation makes me sick.

Today, I missed you... and I knew that tomorrow may hurt, and the day after that, too. But one day, the pain will subside.... and right now, I know who I am. I am beloved. I deserve to be treated like the beloved of Christ. And maybe I'll never get married, I don't know... but I sure know that no one who makes me feel like a pile of garbage will ever share my marriage bed.

closer

2006-02-22T19:02:00.000-08:00

last night my shadow ran from me
it bowed its head in shame
i can't bear my reflection
i can't even write my name

sometimes i choose to forget about You
sometimes i choose to ignore the truth

how sweet the name
how sweet the face
that i long to touch with dirty hands

i'm seeing sideways
because I've fallen down again
and it's so hard to find my way

- cool hand luke

sometimes, Lord, I feel like I AM seeing sideways. I want to know you but i fall down so often. but as the days go on, i find that i fall less and less. i actually feel so close to you right now! i know i am your beloved. no matter what.

BELOVED

2006-02-20T20:48:00.000-08:00

... what a truly beautiful title....

I am the beloved of Christ... I have worth... I have labels, but I have worth.... because I am a dearly loved child....

and i thank You, Lord, for this weekend and the wonderful students at Heritage and the leaders I love. I thank you for all the oppertunities I've had to fellowship with others....

and I thank you for snow!!!

pouring out my soul to you.... O God..

2006-02-16T18:57:00.000-08:00

intimacy
with God
forgotten one of yesterday
scorned lover
deserted bridegroom
i've spit in your face.
Virginal no more
my heart feeds on flesh
craving its fill
never waiting
never patient
i can't wait for You
my needs are too great
you don't understand.
crazy.
lover of my soul?
O, teach me love
show me love, wrap me in love
all love
you are love.
i can't grasp it
yesterday you took my hand
led me uphill, a gentle slope (Cool Hand Luke)
showed me all you were
i claimed my inheritance
today i gave it away
for a distraction.
i am a whore (Derek Webb)
can i please just
talk
with You?
would
that
be...
okay?

intimacy

2006-02-15T21:08:00.000-08:00

I need intimacy. That's what i'm craving.

I went to annie's church prayer meeting tonight and all I could think of was how I loved God but also how I need to grow closer to Him. I feel so far away and disconnected.

Sometimes I think I actually could be bi-polar. One day I am so happy and the next i feel regretful and rejected!

I crave intimacy in my walk and in my hair and in my voice. I'm looking for it everywhere and no one is giving it but God and then I run and i run and i run away

Hey, it’s me
I’m sorry it’s so late
I can’t sleep
I knew You’d be awake (Psalm 121:4)
You’re always home
Waiting by the phone
For nights like these
When I’m feeling all alone

Lord God... love me, take me, break me, but keep me.... show me how to find my comfort in my love for you alone. SHOW me.

oh, this is me...

2006-02-14T22:28:00.000-08:00

Your Pimp Name Is...

Sugar Butt Dogg

What's" Your Pimp Name?

fun fun night!!!

2006-02-14T22:00:00.000-08:00

WHAT a fun night i had!!!!

first i went to senior high/CUAG (which is lacking in the CUAg department) and that was fun. I dressed up all sparkly and pink and it felt really good. I even wore my grandma's pearls and told everyone it makes me 'romantic and whimsical' and everyone laughed.

Then, annie came and we had a bit of a mishap (erg) but for the most part it was fun. I felt really pretty and everyone kept complimenting me and I'm beginning to feel I'm learning so much from the highschool kids, much more than I thought I would teach them.

And then heather weather said she's possibly interested in moving in with mandy and I ! (that is, if our evil plan works, mwahahaha) and that sounds really good! the posibility of moving out is becoming more and more feasable every day! (sp?)

but I had a good convo with God. he and I both know I need to regain my intimacy with him and to do that is gonna take a lot of work. but I'm so ready o go back to Him. he protects me and loves me. it's jsut so frustrating to have an awesome worship experience and to go away the same person! Sometimes I wish i could jsut stay in church forever.....

THEN, mandy, annie allishia and I went to jose's for half price appetizers. we had a really fun time! we talked about everything from birth control to pap spears to evolution vs. creationism.. lol... very eclectic night full of good convo.

then, mandy and I drove allishia and annie home and we went over to adam's house and tied a happy valentine's day balloon to his car!!! it was sooo awesome, like a covert mission... lol

and we dropped one off at dusko's too, which was sweet....

but then mandy and i discussed the posibility of moving in together and we're so excited!!! I really want this to happen but it's gonna take a lot of prayer and only God's timing. ARGH!!!! i like my timing better. hahaha

but all in all, a good night. *sighs* tomorrow, however, is another day. full of work an homework as well!!!
gyeh.

It is my prayer that tomorrow is a great day. for everyone. It seems a shame to have one great day followed by a hideous one...

image of the invisible

2006-02-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

i am sooo fake.

Seriously.

Everything i do is to please others. everything i wear is because i want to look cool, or else I'm just lazy. I'm not very good at fitting in.

I've always envied my friends who had websites and I've always wanted to create my own. just because i wanted my friends to come and look at my website. i wanted them to comment and say nice things and CARE about what was going on in my life!!!
most of the things i write are to see what people think. most of the things i say, i take into consideration what others will think of it.

I thrive on compliments. I die with every cutting word.

i'm not okay with being alone. I always want vindication. It's like I'm trying to find someone who will tell me I'm okaay.

when i was in grade 8 i had so much trouble finding out who i was, what i liked, what made me happy. sometimes I know what makes me happy but I'm ashamed because no one else likes it.

I am a chameleon, moulding to what you like, hating what you hate, wanting to be you.

I'm not even okay with being alone with God. He knows everything about me and yet i come before Him, fake as I am.

even now i want people to read what i write and comment. tell me you love me. tell me I'm good enough. TELL ME I'M WORTH SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no one can do that for me. only God.

and i run

disconnected

2006-02-14T08:39:00.000-08:00

i feel so very disconnected from the world. losing old friends, making new ones... everything changing. I miss the old days, aand yet... change is good.

i am so fake, i try so hard to be something cherished but really i am just so very fake. i want feedback, i survive on other people's opinions. it's like a drug, i need everyone's approval all the time. but really, no one cares. i am an open book, i am out there and everyone knows i am silly and kinda dumb and not really all that special. maybe that's not how everyone feels, but it's how i feel...

i am still the same girl. i am the girl in the photo and i am alive, i am breathing air and trying to ge thtrough school. my thoughts are special too. don't you want to read them?

I have a fw hours to do some reseach for class and then i am hanging out all night and I will be distracted and happy. then i will go home and dream about what colour i want to paint my room. it's sad. i avoid you, God, I avoid you all day lnog because i am lazy and because there are much more fun things to do than talk to you. You are my maker and yet I don't talk to you!!

All my old friends.. I love you. I hope that we will be able to stay in touch. time will tell....

Scream, deeper I wanna scream
i want you to hear my
i want you to get through
and i
i want to believe
but all i pray is wrong
and all my faith is gone

i've, i've got a question
I've got a question:
where are you?

-jars of clay

in memorium.

2006-02-13T19:31:00.000-08:00

I would like to take this oppertunity to write about a boy who hurt me pretty bad. This is the only pic I have of him, and I only knew him for a mere few months. But things flew by faster than I have ever experienced. I was desperately seeking love, and he was as well. I don't doubt that we were meant to meet, but things went way wrong. I always jump in so fast.

Anywho, this is him and I loved him briefly and we were supposed to have our first date either yesterday, the 12th, or tomorrow, Valentine's day. So I'm kind of caught in the middle and confused today. And I was looking through some of my old poetry and I found one written abuot no one in particular that makes me think it is just for him.

In my mind, there is a tree

Its branches waving merrily

below, the tiny, shadowed me

looks 'round as far as one can see

and I'm as happy as can be

for he is there.

I see his arms, they wrap around

my trembling body, sitting down

upon the green and grassy ground

and in the air, there's not a sound

for in his calm embrace I'm found

why should I care?

His eyes, they are a velvet blue

and shining bright as morning dew

and as if on some silent cue

he murmurs, "darling, I love you."

and i can't help but feel it too

It's so unreal;

My breath grows short, it starts to fade,

the tree, the grass, this masquerade

it slowly starts to drift away

and I am left without its shade

now I alone will always stay

How should I feel?

But in the darkness, there is light;

Oh! The glory of this sight!

I strive with all my hapless might

to win this dismal, dwindling fight

to get him back, it's only right

how could I cope?

Now he is gone, but in my grasp,

I hold my key to fate at last!

My fantasies are all but past

and I've this hard and daunting task

to take this light and in it bask

for it is hope.

emo day, emo poetry

2006-02-13T16:19:00.000-08:00

I wrote this the other day:

there is nothing

nothing left of me

but pain

pain that erupts into curses

and broken chairs, dented metal boxes

and pain that seeps into my fingertips

and slaps at the air

the mirror

the lies.

There is shifting pain

like a forgotten book

is set on s shelf

to mould and grow dusty

it will sting my eyes

when i study it later.

There is love pain

the best pain of all

pain that knows my fears

my faults, my heartache

and releases them in love

sobbing, i embrace this pain

it turns to beauty

and, for the briefest moment

is all i ever needed.

There is pain like loss

like death in the family

knowing i don't measure up

but ashamed of the love pain

I run, I hide

i cry by a broken vase in the corner.

I am that vase.

I am too broken to be fixed

I'm not worth it

I'm full of pain like fire

but You pick me up

piece by piece

and one day

I will know...

why?

carefully mended

You take all my terrible pain

and still i cling to it

familiarity.

comfort?

I am nothing but pain

waiting to become beauty.

You're breaking my legs and teaching me...

2006-02-13T12:53:00.000-08:00

I really think God is teaching me something right now. Something I'm not really wanting to learn, and yet I know is right.

I've never really been okay with being alone. I mean, I like to CHOOSE to be alone but I don't like to be alone by default. I want to be around people most of the time. But more and more I feel isolated. And I'm sooo social!! So it hurts to much to feel alone.

Dave knows I need this. He's always telling me I need to be okay with being alone. He's gone through his own struggles with loneliness but I've always been someone who enjoys being with others. In fact, God used my loneliness to draw me to Him. And now I know Him. But why does the loneliness stay?

I think it's because I'm always replacing Him with other things.... mostly people. It's not that I really want to replace Him, it's just that it's easy.

I spoke with God last night for a good long time and I'm going to try this 'being alone' thing out. If this is how it's gonna go right now, then so be it. I am tired of fighting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fighting sucks. Fighting wears me out and get sme nowhere.

Why do I always have to learn things the hard way?

ahh, a clean slate...

2006-02-12T21:57:00.000-08:00

okay, so, this is my first blog on this website. I'm not exactly sure why i am starting another blog, I guess I kind of want to type out my thoughts and my old blog has been put to death, cuz it was just way too personal... ehh. Bad memories there.

Life is so crazy right now. I keep going up and down every day. One minute I'm lying in bed reading a good book and the next I'm crying on the floor. LOL. Today is such a weird day.

How appropriate that i start a new blog on such a day as this. Today is officially my 3 year anniversary for being a Christian, so it feels good to have made it to this small milestone. and yet I know I have so far to go.

I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is another day fll of fun and.. homework. gyeh.